Tuesday, February 28, 2012


My overwhelming feeling after I watched that pile of incongruous shit unfold was, basically, "why the fuck did I just watch that?" I knew I was in for a stupid movie from the beginning, so I had my expectations set about as low as they get, but after it finally ended I still had to just sit there and wonder.

And wonder I did; for example, I wondered why was all of Greece just a small stretch of barren wasteland? What idiot builds a village on a total of 50 square meters, dug into the side of a cliff facing the sea? How come a lowlife peasant has a house at the central square with a sea view?

Those and other questions were already fighting for lebensraum in my head not ten minutes into the movie, and all that was before they grabbed Greek mythology by the ass and raped it into pulped mincemeat. I get it, it's a mediocre Hollywood movie, it's supposed to be brainless and shiny and you watch it just so you don't have to use your already stunted imagination, but why even bother using mythological characters if all they are going to be is just a bunch of named trees?

Speaking of trees, the acting was not good and the direction was uninspired and unimaginative... I guess nobody involved was really into making that movie, and attitude like that always bleeds through. This is not surprising given the shallow plot and flat characters. I can't imagine why this project was ever green-lighted, but what do I know about commercial success?...

The only thing that was sorta amusing to watch was the fight sequence between gods and titans at the end. Don't worry, that's not a spoiler; it's obvious it's coming before you've been through three minutes of the movie. Anyway, even with all the entertaining CGI-infused choreography, five gods seemed a bit understaffed for a fight that was supposed to be that epic, especially considering the rowdy mob of Greek gods available to pick from. The titans were also portrayed as a tiny bunch of ridiculous boilerplate copies of one another scurrying around like little cockroaches, and I can't help but think the movie went unexpectedly over budget just before shooting the very scene it was made for, so they actually had to fuck that up too.

Oh well... What they didn't fuck up, of all things, was homoerotic imagery. Homoerotism was taken to lengths unbeknownst to straight men before. There were half-naked men with dancing washboard abs running around all over the movie with pecs jolting... Aand just two hot women. In total. In the whole cast. The cast includes a damn army, so you do the math. Now, I'm not homophobic, but I definitely am heterophilic, and I couldn't help but notice the remarkably unfair ratio. After all, there was not much else in this movie but shiny stuff, I'm just saying they could have popped in a few more sets of tits too, just for the visual appeal, you know.

So, to recap: flat characters, flat landscape, flat story, flat acting, flat direction and a flat movie overall. And not nearly enough tits. Again, why the fuck did I watch that?

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