Wednesday, August 1, 2012


In a nutshell, pretentious bullshit. That's all it is.

There is an underlying story about, essentially, people fucking up. A lot. While that's exactly what people do in real life, the story in Drive is not nearly as engaging as the writer thought. I just can't understand the motivation for half of all dumbass stunts the characters (mainly the main one) pull off in the movie. I actually felt more empathy for the fucking Transformers.

Don't get me wrong, everyone's acting is fine, but that just doesn't cut it. All along, the main character just watches shit get increasingly botched up without any expression whatsoever, and mostly without uttering a word. Was I supposed to root for that reticent asshole somehow? Everything he does is irresponsible, uncertain, stupid, or any combination thereof. And yet, there he is, the focus of the entire movie, as if setting a bright and shining example or something.

On top of that, the whole movie drags along tediously for the most part, with scenes of prolonged silence for dramatic effect. Only the effect is yawning instead.

The whole thing is also riddled with lame and superfluous suggestions that I can't be bothered to care for. Yes, damnit, we know the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And what's the point of that scorpio jacket? There's way too much screen time wasted on it. Some reference that should have made the whole movie sensible, or what? Even if there is something clever behind it, I don't get it. And even if I did, I somehow doubt it would make the movie any more enjoyable.

The editing relies heavily on sound and music. That's by no means a redeeming quality, however. While the sound is very good, there are too many painfully protracted scenes without any, and the music is bland and uninteresting. "We made a movie, and we didn't use an orchestra! Look how avant-garde we are!" Uhm, no.

Speaking of avant-garde, what's with the pink shit and Barbie typeface? A drama about a confused getaway driver fucking up at life beyond his imagination with pink credits? Is that supposed to run contrast to the shit-hit-the-fan plot for emphasis, or just there to make my eyes bleed?

Overall, after I watched the movie, I had the feeling that it was made by a bunch of art students who were out to show the world what the art of motion pictures is, and who made the conscious decision that they would make a masterpiece hailed by the critics as the next big thing. Granted, critics are idiots and probably drool all over it, but all I saw was pretentious bullshit.

But hey, don't take my word for it. There's art for you, the fuck do I know.

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Tuesday, February 28, 2012


My overwhelming feeling after I watched that pile of incongruous shit unfold was, basically, "why the fuck did I just watch that?" I knew I was in for a stupid movie from the beginning, so I had my expectations set about as low as they get, but after it finally ended I still had to just sit there and wonder.

And wonder I did; for example, I wondered why was all of Greece just a small stretch of barren wasteland? What idiot builds a village on a total of 50 square meters, dug into the side of a cliff facing the sea? How come a lowlife peasant has a house at the central square with a sea view?

Those and other questions were already fighting for lebensraum in my head not ten minutes into the movie, and all that was before they grabbed Greek mythology by the ass and raped it into pulped mincemeat. I get it, it's a mediocre Hollywood movie, it's supposed to be brainless and shiny and you watch it just so you don't have to use your already stunted imagination, but why even bother using mythological characters if all they are going to be is just a bunch of named trees?

Speaking of trees, the acting was not good and the direction was uninspired and unimaginative... I guess nobody involved was really into making that movie, and attitude like that always bleeds through. This is not surprising given the shallow plot and flat characters. I can't imagine why this project was ever green-lighted, but what do I know about commercial success?...

The only thing that was sorta amusing to watch was the fight sequence between gods and titans at the end. Don't worry, that's not a spoiler; it's obvious it's coming before you've been through three minutes of the movie. Anyway, even with all the entertaining CGI-infused choreography, five gods seemed a bit understaffed for a fight that was supposed to be that epic, especially considering the rowdy mob of Greek gods available to pick from. The titans were also portrayed as a tiny bunch of ridiculous boilerplate copies of one another scurrying around like little cockroaches, and I can't help but think the movie went unexpectedly over budget just before shooting the very scene it was made for, so they actually had to fuck that up too.

Oh well... What they didn't fuck up, of all things, was homoerotic imagery. Homoerotism was taken to lengths unbeknownst to straight men before. There were half-naked men with dancing washboard abs running around all over the movie with pecs jolting... Aand just two hot women. In total. In the whole cast. The cast includes a damn army, so you do the math. Now, I'm not homophobic, but I definitely am heterophilic, and I couldn't help but notice the remarkably unfair ratio. After all, there was not much else in this movie but shiny stuff, I'm just saying they could have popped in a few more sets of tits too, just for the visual appeal, you know.

So, to recap: flat characters, flat landscape, flat story, flat acting, flat direction and a flat movie overall. And not nearly enough tits. Again, why the fuck did I watch that?

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