Thursday, January 8, 2009

Heroes one is safe, indeed

One thing never ceases to amaze me and I doubt it would be much of a surprise to anyone if I said the thing in question is the human ability to swallow enormous amounts of warm bovine fecal matter and ask for more. A perfect example of this are the 'Heroes' TV series which I'd call a huge brainfart if it weren't for the sneaking suspicion that the fart had been accompanied by this specific kind of moisty bubbling sound associated with a sudden rather embarrassing warm feeling. From the very start the unbelievably stupid tagline 'Save the cheerleader. Save the world.' made me cringe and want to reach for my tinfoil hat, but contrary to the pessimistic 'fuck it, how worse could it get' common sense, it got. Much worse. Imagine every single introduced motherfucker wielding some absofuckinglutely unimaginable powers - like this isn't bad enough, we get literally swamped by new characters with new and amazing (however mostly useless) abilities, until we start thinking that the so-called ordinary people are actually a minority. Sooner or later the unsuspecting viewer actually starts rooting for the bad guy and cheers him up for every kill (points go to him for the implied eating of brains, that made him my favorite character), as the huge numbers of annoying superhumans obviously need some thinning (no wonder, as the 'writers' threw in a couple or two everytime they needed the 'plot' to move or thicken).

I can only explain the popularity this show has attained with the D&D effect - every pale and skinny geek is dreaming of being a super-hero the same way as of swinging an imaginary two-handed sword (to compensate for his negligible genitalia) and bulging with imaginary muscles. We even get an example of the geeky character turning into a supposedly powerful warrior (Hiro... get it? nudge-nudge), wearing a katana on his back and a menacing look on his face. The downside is that all the cool superpowers are already taken, so there might not be a good one left for you, but the not so subtle message is that we are all unique, 'United we stand' and if you look around you hard enough, you may still find some useful ability, even if it's sharpening pencils with your asshole - hey, Peter Pitrelli may end up with a sheet of paper and nothing to write with but a pencil stub, so you can help. Thank God, Jah or whoever's in charge that the creators of the show didn't call it 'Geeks United' (maybe only because that would reek of 'X-Men United' and/or could dump a law suit on their heads).

Special effects/CGI - cheap to none. Script - stuuuupiiiid. Dialogue - hell, I can't remember a single line (ugh, except 'Save the cheerleader, save the world', but I wish I didn't). Half the cast walks around like some living dead, delivering unconvincing performances and depicting some utterly unbelievable characters (Peter leading the way, being dumb as a sack of hammers, but good hearted, you know, the whole male nurse stuff), there are a couple of good-looking guys with nice haircuts for the girls to stay tuned (Ali Larter keeping the boys), and that's it. Well, if people are dumb enough to drag this hogwash into Season 4, then maybe they deserve it.
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